Postcards from Tradocia

army task: survive zombie ambush

TASK 1234-5678-2345
Survive Zombie Ambush

TASK: Survive Zombie Ambush

CONDITIONS: Given individual weapon, ammunition basic load (ABL), individual or team, and large-scale zombie infestation.

STANDARDS: Secure a defensive position (if necessary) or withdraw to a secure, zombie-free area (preferable), without becoming a zombie or casualty.

TASK STEPS:

1. Assess the situation. Determine ammunition and weapon status, casualties, friendly situation (supporting units), vehicle status (if applicable), number of zombies, avenues of movement, and available defensive positions.

2. If vehicle is available, perform operator PMCS prior to operation. Submit Form 5988 or 2404 to maintenance personnel if available. If not, fuck it.

WARNING: Wear protective helmet and seat belt at all times. Failure to do so may result in personnel injury or death.

3. If possible, move to an area were there are fewer or no zombies, using individual or team movement techniques (as applicable). Use maximum speed – zombies travel in straight lines so the 3-to-5 second rush is not recommended. If mounted, use vehicle as a battering ram to remove zombies from path of movement. However, beware the risk of zombie parts becoming caught in the undercarriage of M998 and other HMMWV variants.

4. Upon contact with zombies, use controlled, aimed fire (M16/M4 series) or short, controlled bursts (M249 and M240). This conserves ammunition and enables greater accuracy.

NOTE: IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT ZOMBIES BE HIT IN THE HEAD ONLY. CENTER-MASS OR EXTREMITY HITS MAY SLOW DOWN, BUT WILL NOT DISABLE, ONCOMING ZOMBIES. BLOWING OFF ZOMBIE LIMBS MAY PROVIDE GRATIFICATION, BUT FAILURE TO DISABLE A ZOMBIE COULD COST YOU OR YOUR BUDDY’S LIFE.

5. Crew-served weapons are particularly effective against zombies. If available, employ them against the largest concentrations of zombies. Hits with the .50-caliber machinegun round (M2 series) or the 40mm HEDP round (Mk19 and M203) do not need to be in the head to be effective. Anywhere will do, and it’s fucking sweet when a zombie gets blown up by a 40mm grenade.

NOTE: While shotguns are effective at close range, they are unsuitable for long-duration zombie encounters, unlike what’s shown in movies. Shotguns have limited range, low ammunition capacity, are slow to reload, and their ammunition is large and bulky. Don’t be a retard – since head shots from pistol-caliber weapons are effective, continue to use high-capacity rifles (M16/M4 series) and don’t think you’re all big and bad because you shot a zombie’s head off with a 12-gauge.

6. If no secure escape route is available, locate a defensive position that can be secured until assistance arrives. Look for an area with limited avenues of approach, with elevation above surrounding terrain (zombies cannot climb), and that offers concealment and security. Ideal locations include schools, office buildings, and shopping malls.

7. Fortify the selected position with available materials. Make sure all doors and windows are secured (use built-in locks if available).

WARNING: Glass doors will provide limited protection against zombies, since they cannot use tools. However, if local zombies are heavily built (i.e., former bodybuilders, ex-convicts, etc.), they may be able to smash through glass. Do not rely on glass for zombie protection.

8. Consolidate and reorganize. Redistribute ammunition, maintain weapons, and evaluate casualties as necessary.

NOTE: Zombie combat is stressful. Have the Unit Ministry Team (UMT) offer prayers for zombie salvation as well as prepare their Turn Undead ability, if the UMT is available. If not, say your prayers anyway. Remember, however, that UMT members can only turn 4 zombies per day per O-grade.

WARNING: Anyone bitten by a zombie is a zombie casualty (ZC). ZCs must not be treated as normal casualties, nor can they be mixed. Combat medics and lifesavers must identify ZCs during triage and keep them well away from normal casualties. ALL ZCs WILL BECOME ZOMBIES IF LEFT UNCHECKED. ZCs MUST BE DISPATCHED BEFORE ZOMBIFICATION OCCURS TO PREVENT FURTHER ZOMBIE CASUALTIES AND REDUCTION IN UNIT MORALE.

9. Continue to move towards a safe area or consolidate defensive position until zombie threat is eliminated or reduced.

SUPPORTING TASKS:
Evaluate a Casualty
Cross Danger Area using Individual or Buddy-Team Movement Techniques
Operate M16 Rifle or M4 Carbine
Operate M249 or M240 Machinegun
Turn Undead (Chaplains only)
Scavenge Materials and Equipment from Abandoned or Destroyed Areas
Perform Mercy Killing

11 Comments

  1. Seth

    Alex,
    Very nice. I will keep this in mind the next time an infestation comes to the Twin Cities. It is fairly common at the Galleria and Southdale. Good luck, sir!
    Seth

  2. Mrs. Melobi

    I think you should include a warning that people on Segways are not zombies. They might look like zombies, but as you point out, zombies don’t use tools, nor do they operate machinery.

  3. Lola Barnes

    I don’t think we saw any zombies at the Galleria yesterday. luv g and g

  4. SGT P

    I actually possess a limited ability to turn zombies as well, my Pontif status grants me 1d4 after I reached E-5. Well written Delobi, too bad we won’t likely have to repel the Undead Horde here at Camp Liberty. Imagine that!

    JLENS reports a mob moving toward Midland Gate. 2-10 Mountain reports the mob seems to be…my god JB…its the Undead AIF.

    JB (aka Basillica): Colonel, we’re going to need to create a special FRAGO for this, send it straight to THEM.

    Colonel: But sir, they’re already extremely tasked out!

    JB: One team, ONE FIGHT! GET ME B Co, Get HERMES ON THE LINE NOW!!

  5. Delobius

    [Agent Smith voice]

    LTC (to El Capitan): So, Captain, it seems B Company is leading two missions…in one, you’re a National Guard signal company from Hastings, Minnesota. You go to drill, you do Annual Training…and you invite children to your armory.

    In the other, you are a Title X unit, stationed at Camp Liberty, Iraq. You are tasked with every kind of mission that we have a name for.

    One of these missions has a future…the other does not.

  6. Spikebot

    LOL. Great photos BTW. Good to be able to see the conditions you guys are living in.

  7. Mom and Dad

    This should never have come out – you know the directive – certain zombies were always national security exceptions.

    Many people fall victim to the common fallacy that zombies’ lack of tool-using ability renders them less dangerous.

    Small pieces of the zombie can kill if they have enough kinetic energy.

    Wait, wait we have to go – the glass is shattering!

  8. alektra

    I was almost ok until I read your Mom and Dad’s comment, and then I couldn’t stop coughing from laughing so hard.

    Awesome. Just awesome.

  9. kelly

    I have a feeling you recently watched that DVD I sent you for Christmas. The emanant danger of your cinema dreams is well at hand. I believe a pin (as the pin of sewing infamy) that would be of same width but 3-4 feet long could pierce the spongy, gooey exterior of any exposed extremity or trunk of a zombie and render it truly dead or be short by 2-3 feet of any destination.
    k

  10. Larsonious

    Well if only I had this information a little while ago I could have avoided the University of MN. It’s covered in zombies. I exhauseted all my shotgun amunition in a matter of minutes and had to use it as a club. Now the zombies are breaking threw the glass of the Computer lab, oh wait will the class hold if it has a wire mesh?

    Arrgh!!!!

  11. phil

    this isnt the best zombie survival guide ive seen “move to an area where the are less zombies” thats a given u stupid twat, and how many people can use a gun affectively really just fuk off u sheep fucker

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